There's Something About Dan

Although I don't have all of the details of Tweedle Dan's crime, I can deduce exactly what occurred based on his two charges.  Mistreatment in the first degree is often used in reference to abusing an elderly person in the suspect's care.  In this case, I can make an educated guess that the victim was Droopy Dan's bedridden mother.  Now, the charge of Sexual Abuse in the third degree usually alludes to a victim under the age of 18, but we already know that the victim is his mother.  So the charge must be referring to a rarely used section of this law that states, "For the purpose of arousing or gratifying the sexual desire of the person or another person, the person intentionally propels any dangerous substance at a victim without the consent of the victim."  In other words, Dan got jizz in his mother's eye.  Basically, this little goblin was arrested because he was masturbating within a 15 foot radius of his dear old mother... and he has exceptionally sh*tty aim.

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

               

Naem: HAIKKILA, DANIEL LEROY
SID #: 19324536
DOB: 02/08/1949
Sex: Male
Race: WHITE
Height: 5 ft 9 in
Weight: 215 lbs
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Arrest Date: 2012-01-27
Charge(s):
ORS.163.205 - CRIMINAL MISTREATMENT I $40000
ORS.163.205 - CRIMINAL MISTREATMENT I $0
ORS.163.205 - CRIMINAL MISTREATMENT I $0
ORS.163.415 - SEXUAL ABUSE III $0
ORS.163.415 - SEXUAL ABUSE III $0