There's Something About Dan

Although I don't have all of the details of Tweedle Dan's crime, I can deduce exactly what occurred based on his two charges.  Mistreatment in the first degree is often used in reference to abusing an elderly person in the suspect's care.  In this case, I can make an educated guess that the victim was Droopy Dan's bedridden mother.  Now, the charge of Sexual Abuse in the third degree usually alludes to a victim under the age of 18, but we already know that the victim is his mother.  So the charge must be referring to a rarely used section of this law that states, "For the purpose of arousing or gratifying the sexual desire of the person or another person, the person intentionally propels any dangerous substance at a victim without the consent of the victim."  In other words, Dan got jizz in his mother's eye.  Basically, this little goblin was arrested because he was masturbating within a 15 foot radius of his dear old mother... and he has exceptionally sh*tty aim.

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

               

Naem: HAIKKILA, DANIEL LEROY
SID #: 19324536
DOB: 02/08/1949
Sex: Male
Race: WHITE
Height: 5 ft 9 in
Weight: 215 lbs
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Arrest Date: 2012-01-27
Charge(s):
ORS.163.205 - CRIMINAL MISTREATMENT I $40000
ORS.163.205 - CRIMINAL MISTREATMENT I $0
ORS.163.205 - CRIMINAL MISTREATMENT I $0
ORS.163.415 - SEXUAL ABUSE III $0
ORS.163.415 - SEXUAL ABUSE III $0

Update: Teacher My I Have Another?

It really is hard living a life where I am right about everything.  Zuleyma Figueroa was among the first posts I did over two years ago when she was arrested for selling Meth while still being employed as a teacher for Benson High School here in Portland.  In that post, the last sentence I wrote stated, "At least she isn't a crack selling teacher, now that couldn't be tolerated."  And here we are again, except this time Miss Fig was arrested for dealing a kilogram of cocaine (crack), as well as Meth.  A kilo of Miley Cyrus Sugar (cocaine) goes for about $100,000 on the streets.  So the one thing that children should learn from this ex-Spanish teacher is that a person should never give up on their dreams... of being a lesbian kingpin.  You know, that reminds me of a famous crackhead named Whitney Houston that sang a song about the children.  There was a specific part of the song that went a little something like this:

I decided long ago, never to sell anything less than a kilo
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as a lesbian
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my crack cocaine
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me.

It really was a beautiful song and I think the main point of it was that the greatest love of all can really only happen in a prison cell.  Which is obviously why Zuleyma continued to try her damnedest to get into prison.  For a vagina connoisseur like Miss Fig, prison is like being on the Oregon State University campus... young beavers everywhere.

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

     

                         

Name: Figueroa, Zuleyma Noemi
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Race: White
Height: 5 ft 4 in
Weight: 135 lbs
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Arresting Agency: Portland Police, Other
Arrest Date: 1/26/2012 9:50 AM
Booking Date: 1/26/2012 10:45 AM
Current Status: In Custody
Assigned Facility: MCDC
Projected Release Date: Unknown
Court Case No. 091234935
Court Case No. 091234935X
Charge Bail Status
DEL COCAINE (B Felony) $20,000 Unsentenced
POSS COCAINE (C Felony) $5,000 Unsentenced
DEL METH (B Felony) $0 Disposed
DEL METH (B Felony) $0 Unsentenced

PotShot Sex Offenders

I'm not sure if taking away a pirate's hat, pipe, and eye patch are enough to be considered cruel and unusual punishment, but considering the fact that Captain Tim likes to masturbate to photos of little children, I think we could go a step further and shove his wooden leg up his ass.  No wooden leg?  Well, no problem.  He's got to have an large iron hook in one of his pockets.

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

      

Name: Bach, Timothy Dale
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Race: White
Height: 5 ft 8 in
Weight: 145 lbs
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Arresting Agency: US Marshall Service
Arrest Date: 1/26/2012 11:30 AM
Booking Date: 1/26/2012 11:59 AM
Current Status: In Custody
Assigned Facility: MCDC
Projected Release Date: Unknown
Charge:
USM HOLD (U ) $0 Unsentenced

Guess Which Hand I Just Pooped In

I honestly can't believe that I am the first person to break this story.  I now have incontrovertible proof that a young and innocent Shaquille O'neal was raped by John Goodman in the LSU locker room back in the early 90's.  The result of that grisly crime was the disgusting abomination you see above, or Quinn Campbell, as it calls itself.  Since it's obvious that Quinn has, at the very least, a "learning disorder" and possibly even worse, "full-blown downs"; I'm going to try and use simple English so that he might actually gain some helpful knowledge from this post.  Quinn, if you can understand the words that I am typing, please read the following carefully.  You are white.  Speaking the first four words of a song and then mumbling the rest does not make you a rapper.  Real gang members don't carry the keys to their mother's house on a string around their neck, children under the age of 7 and Goodwill employees do.  Never take a picture of your facial expressions while straining to fart.  Your eyebrows are not conscious beings, so they do not feel the pain you are trying to inflict upon them.  Lastly, stop dipping every food item in nacho cheese before you ingest it, your multiple chins reduce the already small amount of respect anyone has for you.  And by anyone, I mean one person... your little sister.  Be a good guy, give her the top bunk tonight.

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

                                     

Name: Campbell, Quinn B
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Race: White
Height: 6 ft 0 in
Weight: 295 lbs
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Arresting Agency: Portland Police, North Precinct
Arrest Date: 1/26/2012 12:45 AM
Booking Date: 1/26/2012 2:31 AM
Current Status: In Custody
Assigned Facility: MCDC
Projected Release Date: Unknown
Charge:
TRESPASS II (C Misdemeanor) $1,000 Unsentenced
STALKING - MISD (A Misdemeanor) $2,500 Unsentenced

Update: PotShot Prosties

Apparently Patricia saw my earlier post on her and was inspired to apply a little makeup over her lifeless skin.  I have two pieces of advice for Patti though.  Never use foundation that is darker than the color of the rest of your body, it makes your head look like it was surgically removed and then reattached after it spent a little alone time in the Caribbean.  Also, please stop doing neck exercises.  If your neck gets any more muscular, you're going to end up crushing your esophagus.  While Patricia has taken a step in the right direction, I still can't bring myself to include her on the Prostie Scale.  I'd rather pay Morticia Addams to use my penis as pet food for Cleopatra, her carnivorous plant, before I spent my hard earned cash on Patricia's cadaverous vagina.

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

       

Name: Adams, Patricia D
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Race: White
Height: 5 ft 9 in
Weight: 170 lbs
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Arresting Agency: Portland Police, East Precinct
Arrest Date: 1/24/2012 8:00 PM
Booking Date: 1/24/2012 10:18 PM
Current Status: In Custody
Assigned Facility: MCDC
Projected Release Date: Unknown
Court Case No. 100656278
Charge:
ATT PROST (B Misdemeanor) $0 Unsentenced
ATT PROST (B Misdemeanor) $1,500 Unsentenced

Graphic Video Of Police Shooting Death

(Graphic Video - NSFW)


This is stirring video of the shooting death of a suspect by Monterey Park, CA police officers yesterday morning.  Officers were called to the scene regarding a report of a man breaking windows inside of the Carl's Jr.  It's hard to make out exactly what the suspect was holding in his hand when he exited the restaurant but it appears to resemble an ice axe, equipment used in mountain climbing.  Officials are calling it a metal bar at the moment.  After being tazed in the face by one of the officers, the suspect turns and slightly raises the "weapon" as if he might swing at the officer.  In response, the officer holding onto the police canine opens fire with five shots and the second officer fires another volley of five rounds while the suspect is on the ground.  The suspect was later pronounced dead at the hospital.  There are reports that a stray bullet hit the window of a nearby restaurant and a woman was injured by the shattered glass.  I'm not going to judge whether or not the officers were right in using lethal force, and until you find yourself in that specific situation, you shouldn't either. Obviously there are no mountains near L.A., and Carl's Jr. isn't usually offensive enough to push someone to violence, so this is most likely another case of an untreated mental illness.  How many more people have to die before America wakes up and realizes that these situations could often be avoided if law enforcement, as well as the general public, were better educated on issues of mental health?  Unfortunately, there is no end in sight.
Your friend,
Trey Starrs

On a side note, the idiots that shot this video have a wonderful grasp of the English language.  The first thing that comes out of my mouth every time I witness a man shot to death is, "Damnnn... they murked that motherf**ker." And for those of you that haven't kept up on your street slang, the term "murk" means to murder or kill someone.                        

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Kiwi

On Conor's profile, the caption under the fourth pic down read, "They're fake!! but Im not."  In other words, the tattoos are fake but Conor is one of the toughest gangsters to ever come out of New Zealand.  You heard that right.  New Zealand's current top exports are socially awkward white kids from middle class families that watched too many reruns of Breaking Bad.  That's Conor's family in the second picture down.  As you can clearly see, Conor grew up in an extremely impoverished, black neighborhood where the spent bullet casings were used as mulch in the community gardens.  So it comes as no surprise that Conor is so emotionally scarred as to attempt to prove his worth by staging a picture with a pair of old True Religions, a rolled up hundred dollar bill, and a line of dandruff just begging to be inhaled.  The whole thing just screams of latent homosexuality to me.  I'm willing to wager that hundred dollar bill that a baggie of Meth isn't the only thing Conor has had stuffed in his rectum.  Am I right, Conor?  Just admit your love of semen and you can give up this whole ruse to finally pursue your ultimate dream job... Peter Jackson's househusband/love hobbit.

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

                

Name: Luby, Conor Joseph
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Race: White
Height: 6 ft 0 in
Weight: 160 lbs
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Hazel
Arresting Agency: Gresham Police Department
Arrest Date: 1/23/2012 1:11 AM
Booking Date: 1/23/2012 2:27 AM
Current Status: Released
Assigned Facility: PERM
Projected Release Date: Unknown
Release Date: 1/23/2012
Release Reason: Released on Own Recognizance
Charge:
POSS METH (C Felony) $0 Disposed

Indians Curiously Find Rainbows Hilarious

Does that look like a little boy in the mugshot?  Are Native American tribes giving out names based on irony now?  Marlow must immediately contact his Tribal Council and file a legal name change from Litteboy to Geriatricsquaw.  There's no need to confuse us white folk any further with non-literal Indian names.  Marlow actually likes to be called by his nickname, the PowWowPlayboy.  No, I am not kidding.  Apparently Marlow considers himself "one hell of a lover".   The ladies must love the tickle of his Sea Lion-stache on their nether regions.  Also, I'd like to point out that I find it disgusting that Marlow somehow talked one of his tribal elders into eating a napkin the third pic down.  This PowWowPlayboy is a real PowWowPrick.

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

         

Name: Littleboy, Marlow N
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Race: Native American or Alaskan
Height: 5 ft 10 in
Weight: 180 lbs
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Arresting Agency: Portland Police, Other
Arrest Date: 1/23/2012 11:30 AM
Booking Date: 1/23/2012 12:10 PM
Current Status: In Custody
Assigned Facility: MCDC
Projected Release Date: Unknown
Court Case No. 110950396 DA Case No. 2227151
Charge:
CRIM MISCH II (A Misdemeanor) $0 Sentenced
MENACING - DV (A Misdemeanor) $5,000 Unsentenced
HARASSMENT - B MISD (B Misdemeanor) $1,500 Unsentenced
MENACING (A Misdemeanor) $2,500 Unsentenced

Jail Scale

There's a strong odor of desperation that surrounds Brienne at all times, and for those that don't know, desperation smells similar to a lonely piece of raw salmon left lying on its back in a dark alley behind a random nightclub.  Just a tip for the ladies reading this, if you ever find yourself dancing on top of a bar wearing a black see-through curtain and every single guy near you appears to be avoiding direct eye contact with you, it's time to get down and quietly go home.  Brienne is professional social climber that has worked in "luxury real estate", software sales, interior decorating, human breast milking, and currently owns a company in New York City that she cleverly named Brienne Fine Jewelry.  Surprisingly, most of Brienne's pictures are devoid of any jewelry.  My guess is that she doesn't want to take any attention away from what she obviously considers her only positive qualities, her udders.  I'll bet Brienne's 13 year old daughter is so proud of her mother every time one of her friends asks, "Did you ever suffocate while breast feeding on those?"  Since I'm no fan of Brienne's inverted teeth or the fact that everyone at the boat party in the fourth pic down was too embarrassed to tell her that she was bleeding through her yellow bikini bottoms, I have no other choice than to give the thick-bodied Brienne a 6.0 on the Jail Scale.  She'll thank me one day for this.

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

                        

Name: Sullivan, Brienne R
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Race: White
Height: 5 ft 8 in
Weight: 130 lbs
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Arresting Agency:
Arrest Date: Unknown
Booking Date: 1/19/2012 10:41 AM
Current Status: In Custody
Assigned Facility: MTSI
Projected Release Date: Unknown
Court Case No. 111051230 DA Case No. 2226394
Charge:
RECKLESS DRIVING (A Misdemeanor) $0 Conditional Sentence

Update: What's In A Name?

It's so good to see you again, Nova.  You had so many supporters in the comment section of your previous post, I figured that someone had talked some sense into you and that you had given up your life as the enforcer (leg-breaker) for the local chapter of the infamous Corvallis Drug Cartel.  I guess... I guess I was wrong about you, Nova.  You had so much potential and you just let it all slip right through your giant fingers.  You could have been a star on the big screen as the lead actress in The Wife of Godzilla: She's In Heat, or at the very least, the first firefighter in history to save a group of orphans from the third floor balcony of a burning building without using a ladder.  Well, those are just pipe dreams now, Nova.  Your best hope is to get a forgiving cellmate that doesn't mind being kicked in the face every night by your WNBA-sized legs hanging off the end of the top bunk.  Oh God, what if your cellmate is the leader of a group of prison midgets called the Lilliputian Gang?  Can you imagine the hatred they would have for you and your super height?  They might be tiny but one bite to your Achilles tendon and you'll be whistling the theme song to Little People, Big World.  I'll pray for you, Ms. Sweet.

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

                              

Inmate Name: SWEET, NOVA DEV
Arrest Date: 01/17/2012
Booking Date: 01/17/2012
Arresting Officer:
Arresting Agency: CPD
Agency Case No: JBEN112000869
Scheduled Release Date: / /
Age: 39
Birth Date: 08/30/1972
Sex: F
Race: WHITE
Height: 6'4"
Weight: 185
Hair: BRO
Eyes: HAZ
CHARGE:
UNL POSSESS METHAMPHETAMINE 2012C00267 Open
UNL DELIVER METHAMPHETAMINE 2012C00267 Open
OFFENSIVE LITTERING 2012C00267 Open
UNL POSSESS METHAMPHETAMINE 2012C00267 Open
THEFT 1ST DEG BY RECEIVING 2012C00256 Open
THEFT 1ST DEG 2012C00029 Open

Truth In Advertising

Love the new neck tat, Sean.  Are all of your tattoos as honest as that one?  Yes, I know about the one on your lower abdomen that says "REGRET IS ONLY 15 SECONDS AWAY", as well as the tattoo that crosses your butt cheeks with the phrase "DOOR'S ALWAYS OPEN".  Also, you really need to control your saliva glands, Sean.  Moist lips can get you into some very awkward situations in prison.  Have fun, little guy.  

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

        

Name: Crawley, Sean R
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Race: White
Height: 5 ft 9 in
Weight: 165 lbs
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Arresting Agency: MCSO Transports
Arrest Date: 1/17/2012 8:00 AM
Booking Date: 1/17/2012 1:56 PM
Current Status: In Custody
Assigned Facility: MCDC
Projected Release Date: Unknown
Charge:
PAROLE OR PPSV VIOL (U Felony) $0 Unsentenced

Jail Scale: Brandy From Silvertown Edition

Kathryn is a 7.7 on the Jail Scale.  I know, I know, that seems a little low for a seductive car thief, but I have inside information that without makeup, blind people will soon discover all of the answers to life's questions by reading the braille/bumps on Kathryn's face.  There is no f**king way I'll let a blind man be the first person to actually uncover the location of the historically elusive G-spot.   Although I like that Kathryn is classy enough to ignore her half naked baby in the background of the fifth picture down while she takes a sexy picture of herself, I can't get past the stupid nose ring in the bottom pic.  It's 2012, only one type of person can pull off the outdated nose ring look... pirates.  And everyone knows that there is no such thing as a German pirate.  Did you know that Eisenblatter means "angry bed-wetter" in German?  Anyway, Kathryn is only attracted to lower class men.  Why else would she have just made sweet love to a trailer trash, stuffed animal like Knuckles? Look at him, all worn out and pleased with himself in the fourth pic down.  Knuckles is like the Joe Dirt of the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise.  If you have no idea who Sonic and Knuckles are, you are either too young or too emotionally mature for this website and/or have a vagina.   

Your friend,

Trey Starrs

        

Name: Eisenblatter, Kathryne Ann
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Race: White
Height: 5 ft 2 in
Weight: 136 lbs
Hair: Blonde
Eyes: Blue
Arresting Agency: Gresham Police Department
Arrest Date: 1/12/2012 3:10 AM
Booking Date: 1/12/2012 6:39 AM
Current Status: Released
Assigned Facility: PERM
Projected Release Date: Unknown
Release Date: 1/12/2012
Release Reason:
Court Case No. None DA Case No.
Charge:
UUMV (C Felony) $0 Disposed
POSS STOLEN MV (C Felony) $0 DispoEsed